Fierce and Fabulous- or, The South Bronx and Connecticut

October 15, 2018

I remember getting the invitation to my aunt’s “Fierce at 40” birthday party in the Bronx in 2003. Shahzad, my boyfriend at the time, noticed how excited I was to attend and to introduce him to her and whoever else. He said he never saw me so excited and giddy before. We took a long train ride from Brooklyn to make it and I know how funny that sounds because I know it's not an incredibly long distance comparatively speaking. But to us city folks who mainly rely on trains to get around, it feels like a trek.

In 1991's “Hanging with the Homeboys”, Doug E. Doug’s character Willie (who lives in the Bronx) is asked to go to Brooklyn for a job interview.

“Brooklyn?!” he exclaims.

“That's like on the other side of the WORLD!”

Now we all know that Brooklyn is not located at the opposite end of the world from the Bronx. They're about 20 miles apart from each other. According to the little globe in my living room "the other side of the world" from the Bronx is more like Australia. But sometimes it feels as though it might as well be. This is hard to explain if you're not from around here and don't “live this life” day to day. Not tryina come off as “hard” or anything because I’m really not, I'm just sayin'...

Last week I missed my cousin’s “Fabulous at 40” birthday party in Connecticut and kind of gave myself a cold because of it. The term “psychosomatic” popped into my head and struck a nasty chord with me. Yes, the temperature dropped a few degrees over the past few days but I feel that between:

the excitement of being invited to celebrate

the stress of getting ready for it and preparing for the overnight stay

the panic of finding out how hard it actually would be to get there, that sometimes Übers aren't even available around the Southeast Metro North station and that there would be no one to pick me up from there, a station I thought was much closer to the party for whatever reason

the vergüenza I feel when it is reminded and amplified that I am the city girl, the ‘city mouse’ cousin who can’t drive and doesn’t have a car and has to constantly be accommodated for

The tragic backstory concerning her father's death on the day before her 30th birthday and how important and life affirming this celebration is

Going to a funeral 2 nights before (unrelated but recent and emotionally taxing)

All this makes me inclined to think this cold was the stress attacking my immune system and that it just happened to coincide with the weather change, the “cold snap” that autumn brings.

I have failed the road test 3 times so far, even though I've driven pretty well during my lessons. On my second time I failed by just a few points which is more frustrating than failing big.

I have low-key resentment concerning Connecticut and the fact that they are all up there and not down here, all because of a job related move our grandparents made from the Bronx in 1970.

Psychosomatic is a very fitting word description of what I went through this weekend amidst all the "sniffling, sneezing, aching, coughing, stuffy-head, fever", desperately searching for the best " 'so you can rest' medicine"*.

I haven’t heard from my cousin since Friday when I reluctantly canceled at the last minute. It hurts. I wonder if there is a low-key resentment within her as well.

I wonder and long to have an honest conversation with her about this. Until then I'm left with these trembling, gray question marks clouding my head, heart, and gut.