Handful of Traumas- a Before and After

I’ve been thinking about that joke (that’s not exactly a joke) lately even though I'm not considered young anymore- but I was often told this when I was younger.  

I've been wondering if my recent quest for more organization and planning is a return of what I used to be like before the trauma or a result from the trauma- or is it a little bit of both? Now when I say “trauma” I mean it a very broad sense; from the commonplace adolescence, relationships, break ups, moving out, motherhood, to the more extreme of rape, bereavement, depression, and religion, to name a few. I also mean “trauma” more in the sense of a life-changing event, not necessarily all terrible. To me, motherhood is definitely not terrible overall neither was having to move a few times, nor is my experience with religion. But probably the most life-changing event or mindset shift that took place with me was shortly after I tried to ‘end it all’ at 15.

Shortly after my suicide attempt, my dad’s best friend gave me an Allan Watts book as a way to help me cope and become more enlightened. Reading his work and listening to his lectures on tape inspired me to take on a more fukitol attitude, as in:

It made me feel better, lighter, and I pretty much carried that attitude and philosophy well into my 20s. It’s not that I stopped caring about things, it’s that planning and caution often took a back seat in favor of spontaneity and ‘winging it’. Anyone who preferred more structure in their lives were considered control freaks to me. Borderline people are also prone to do a lot of things on impulse. But I eventually went back to school, became a mom, and really saw that I had to buckle down and get my act together- there goes that Mrs. Maisel tagline again!

I still like a lot of what Watts talked about from what I can remember. A lot of his lectures and interviews have been put to video and accompanied by cool, visual animation on YouTube.

But now that I’ve been through my share of things, lived and learned a bit, living with what I have done and haven’t done, things are a little quieter within me now in a sense, and I can return to the time where I leaned more towards structure and/or a renewed sense of putting my life in order.

My sister is trying to think of another proofreading assignment to give me but the wedding planning is of course, taking up much of her time and concern, as well as her novel, Adulting and another one on the back burner, Four Gay Weddings.

I've done my second rewrite and she says I'm doing well and to not get discouraged of what I’ve overlooked, but it makes me feel like I am not ready to put my work out there, asking to be a paid proofreader yet. I am competent enough to fix up my friends’ papers here and there, but with the dream of running our own business, I see myself serving in other areas as well, such as marketing, paperwork, and consultations.

Muses

Lately I’ve been tuning into YouTubers for inspiration- Amy Landino, The Organized Soprano, ClutterBug, Marie Forleo, Jordan Page, and Lilly Singh to name a few.

I recently got a ‘shout out’ from Amy Landino which was a pleasant surprise when I viewed it that morning. I feel like her “can’t live without” title is a little overboard, but I love how she encourages us to keep going after the life we want- definitely the thing to strive for! Check it out :)