Covering Her

June 10, 2019

Yesterday was the 62nd annual National Puerto Rican pride parade. I caught it on channel 7 and then later streamed it from my phone as I went back and forth, in and out of the house with laundry. I haven’t gone in years but as I watched it, I remembered all the times I went and reflected on the issues they covered this year- hurricane Maria, Stonewall, the status of statehood, commonwealth, or Independence, etc. 

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Later on in the evening I decided to reach way up and into my son’s closet and grab one of my old diaries. My journals have been tucked away for years and the only reason it’s in my son’s closet and not mine is because his room has the most closet space. He has a way up there section that I don’t, and I think that’s because our 2 rooms used to be one at one point. He’s got closet space so high that you need a ladder to reach things, and the fact that the ladder is “all the way” downstairs has been part of the reason why I haven’t done this sooner. See how I let little things get in my way? 

Well, this time I got the ladder dammit, and climbed up, reached in and pulled out whatever I could, whichever was the easiest to get. I got this

Why I called it “My Funny Journal” is beyond me. I probably had the song, "My Funny Valentine" in mind. "My Funny Journal" covers a lot of my ex’s arrest and dealing with the aftermath, his absence, visiting him in jail, and all my conflicting emotions surrounding that. Here “funny” could mean peculiar and surreal. Or maybe it was my weird, dark sense of humor shining through as it does from time to time. 

The 18 year old girl who wrote this is angry, sad, devastated, and losing hope. As I reread this, she hovers over middle-aged me like a SIM character waiting to be activated when I ponder and consider her more. 

One of these pages laments the “fact” that my life is over. I read it and want to assure “her” that her life is far from over, even his life goes on in a fairly positive way afterwards. 

In the same way I used to look at old photographs of my mom and wish that I could go back in time to say hello, I wish I could go back in time with my younger self and tell her:

Maybe it’s not going in the way you half expected/anticipated and yeah, you’ll still go through some shitty things here and there but you’re also gonna get to travel, see your sister grow, meet good people, perform, go to (and actually enjoy!) your high school reunions, go to parties, shows, weddings (including your own!), patch up old grievances, settle things, have some epiphanies, fall in love, have children... no way is it over yet, hun! 

But I can’t get the message across. She’s going through the things she needs to and experience the joy, pain and lessons firsthand. All I can do is remember and keep these things close to my heart and soul. And apply it today somehow. 

I’m also packing up for vacation with my husband for about a week. We’re really looking forward to the adventure and time away. More on that in the next blog si Dios quiere!